it‘s that time of year again where the clouds permanently settle over berlin like a protective albeit unwanted blanket to signify that the cold is finally here to stay. winter has made its presence known and the days will roll on by until november turns into december and snow falls from the sky giving way to january, february, march and finally april. if i am honest i have to admit that i made the transition rather poorly this year. i stormed through fall ignoring that the nights would inevitably become longer and that even overcast daylight lasting between the hours of 8 and 3 would become a precious commodity. so i am sitting here shocked and appalled by this horrible weather.
for the last few weeks i have been going through what i would call a transitional period. now i am not saying that this crappy weather is the cause for my existential discomfort. personal things in my life were the catalyst. however i am willing to bet a pretty penny that the dreary skies weren't doing me any favors. i have known of more than one ex-pat leaving berlin in the winter due to the gloomy spell it tends to cast on people. still it's been a while since i got smacked in the face by life and in true fashion it all kind of came at me at once beginning with my dissatisfaction with my life trajectory. but every so often this happens to us all and when it does we at least know that some growth is about to take place. it all comes in cycles and the process tends to go something like this: feeling content and being on top of the world, and then BAM! uneasiness and dissatisfaction followed by soul searching, epiphanies, anger, acceptance and some understanding, which leads to some new habit implementation and possible life mending (conscious and unconscious) followed by happiness with oneself and ones life, to which at this point the cycle begins again. i guess the whole thing happens every few years on average. i had been feeling rather unaccomplished and unworthy. the upcoming holiday to the states made me begin to think about the past and as i was already feeling quite negative this lead to my anger and hurt concerning certain relationships resurfacing and a general sense of uneasiness. i was having repeated post-apocalyptic dreams (although i am sure that nick and i's consistent obsession with the walking dead had some influence here as well...) and when it wasn't a nightmare, i still woke up with a residual unsettling and uncomfortable feeling my dreaming world had been filled with. specific dreams were not remembered.
i have wonderful support sources which did much to cheer me up (my wonderful boyfriend and long time friend joe were of particular help) yet even so i had not felt so alone and lonely in such a long time despite all the good that is in fact in my life (people included). but i am a firm believer that there are just some things you are meant to go through alone and the process of self-examination, growth, and acceptance is one of them. and per usual with such things as these i examined the parts of me that were unhappy and uncomfortable and although i did not find solutions for everything, things sort of cleared up on their own. that is to say my own dark gloom that had settled above my head had finally been lifted.
not everything is fixed yet. for example my uncanny talent for being way too damned hard on myself. we accept others for their strengths and weaknesses. we take the whole package not just the bits and pieces that suit us so why is it so freaking difficult for us to accept ourselves sometimes? now i know you are sitting there thinking "but what about all that growth talk?" of course we can modify some of the dumb shit we do. but we also need to learn to accept certain negative traits of our own that are engrained into our personalities but not let them rule us. or quite possibly not view them as "negative" or "positive" traits - just particular traits that can have both positive and negative outcomes for us and others. and just like traits there are also certain things we cannot change no matter how much we would like to. sometimes it's a real damn shame but sometimes it's for the best and all we can do to keep from going crazy is to accept outcomes and press on. i tend to carry each loss like an unwanted souvenir that sits on a bookshelf because it's owner does not have the heart to get rid of it - so it just sits there. taking up space and collecting dust. and it's an eyesore. some situations were under my control but i fucked up and others were the mistakes of others and still others cannot be reduced to a simple blame game but i carry these reminders around with me and criticize myself for each and every incident. these reminders tend to be my emotional kryptonite and i am working on letting them go. oh, that and correcting my crappy posture. i mean seriously girl, sit up straight, for god's sake that slouch would even make the hunchback of notre dame blush.
lg, Rae
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photography: david
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